WHO FILLS THE CUP OF THE WOMAN EVERYONE DEPENDS ON?
There is a particular compliment women receive that I have become increasingly cautious about.
“You are so strong.”
Usually, it is meant with love.
It recognises somebody who keeps going. Somebody people can depend on. Somebody who finds a way through difficult circumstances.
But strength can become a dangerous identity when you start believing it means you must never need anything yourself.
Many women know this feeling.
At work, you are the person people call.
At home, people need you.
A colleague needs advice. A family member needs support. A team needs direction. A client needs an answer.
There is always something to solve and somebody who needs something from you.
And because you are capable, you keep giving.
Until one day you discover that capability and capacity are not the same thing.
One of the ideas we speak about in Ubuntu 3.0 is very simple:
You cannot give from an empty cup.
I have come to understand that more deeply with age.
For many years, women have been taught a version of strength that is almost entirely outward-facing.
Can you carry more?
Can you cope?
Can you keep everybody together?
There is dignity in caring for others. There is nothing wrong with being dependable.
But there comes a point where constantly proving that you can carry everything becomes its own kind of burden.
Ubuntu is often described through our relationship with other people: I am because we are.
I believe deeply in that.
But my own understanding of Ubuntu begins even earlier.
It begins with the self.
Do I know who I am?
Do I respect myself?
Am I developing myself?
Am I strong enough to give something meaningful to the people who depend on me?
Because eventually an empty cup has nothing left to pour.
This matters particularly in leadership.
Leadership can create a strange expectation that the person at the front must always have the answer.
I do not believe that.
Some of the strongest leaders I know are comfortable saying:
“I need to think about that.”
“I got that wrong.”
“I need help.”
“I cannot take that on right now.”
Those sentences do not diminish leadership.
They make it human.
This is one of the reasons I resist the idea of the “superwoman.”
It sounds complimentary.
But look closely at what we are celebrating.
A woman who needs no help. Who never drops anything. Who performs at work, cares for everyone at home, looks after herself, supports her community and somehow remains cheerful while doing it.
That is not an aspiration.
It is an impossible job description.
Perhaps we can give women permission to put the cape down.
We do not need superwomen.
We need women who are whole.
Women who know themselves well enough to recognise when something is costing too much.
Women who can care deeply for others without abandoning themselves.
Women who understand that rest does not need to be earned by finishing every task, because the tasks will never all be finished.
And leaders who create workplaces in which that is possible.
There is also a responsibility here for organisations.
We cannot celebrate women publicly in August while privately rewarding exhaustion.
We cannot talk about wellbeing while treating permanent availability as commitment.
We cannot tell women to develop themselves and then create jobs that leave no space to do it.
Culture is built through what we repeatedly permit and reward.
So today, I am asking myself a different question.
Not: how much more can I give?
But: what do I need in order to continue giving well?
It is a question I think more women should allow themselves to ask.
Because strength does not mean never needing to refill.
Sometimes the strongest thing you can do is recognise that the cup is empty.
This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. For specific legal guidance on protected disclosures, employment practices, or compliance obligations, consult a qualified labour law practitioner.
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